Cemetary Gates

What is it that you have seen in the world that I haven't? Is it all the time in the world that I seem to have that is blinding me from my true potential? Am I too jaded by my (relative) free-will and liberty that I've deluded any true aspect of self-realization? I must be too enraptured with living in my material present.

Is it your imprisonment? The shackles by which you are chained to this suburban wasteland surely must be the causation of your, for the lack of a better term, ingenuity. You inadvertently evoke a plethora of emotions within people, the sheer amount of which you have no idea. Similarly, you fail to realize how high a pedestal we all place you upon. Sometimes it appears in conversation, but in purely referential form, as anything past an allusion to such is nonchalantly shrugged off and simultaneously smugly acknowledged. You are a god among men, and you don't even realize it—Enamored by many, but known on a personal level only to a select few. And yet, even to those few, you are still one enigmatic son of a bitch.

Share the wealth god dammit.

Higher Ground

Maybe I should stop being a self-important asshole. Perhaps I should stop trying to care so much, trying to insert myself into your well being. I don't know whats going on, and likely never will. To that end, I should stop trying to find out. I should back off. We're consistently on different terms, whether I think you perceive it or not. I'm pretty sure I do. You, as usual, are being elusive and practicing dogmatic exclusion, which of course you're completely entitled to. But please, I don't want to be lied to. I'm only trying to be friendly. I care about you, you know.

Or maybe, maybe I'm too analytical. As usual. Too meticulous in my thinking, not pragmatic enough to think clearly. Letting preconceived notions of "emotional attachment" cloud decision making. There's nothing wrong, the only wrong I perceive is exactly that: fabricated by an overactive, over-methodical approach to trying to befriend you. You said things wouldn't be any different, but I can't help but feel that everything is. The worst part is, I can't confront. I'm too afraid, I'm too big of a pussy to talk about it. Right off the bat, I interpreted that you wouldn't want to talk about it anymore, to simply sweep it under the doormat, and pretend as if this ugly little piece of shit never existed. And for awhile, I obliged. But that isn't flying anymore.

I'm much too anxious for that.

Pushin'

Please, allow me to try out one of these ultra-cryptic, Alex styled posts for a second here and allow me to ask the following:

Have you ever been so captivated? Have you ever been so...beguiled with some alien sensation, the intensity of which is so potent that you shiver—yes, SHIVER—with sheer bliss and euphoria at the mere thought of it? Indeed, a revelation I have uncovered encapsulates these very qualities, except at tenfold the magnitude of any example I've ever encountered before. The mental visualization of it brings me so much joy! Then I waltz on over to the object of my discourse, and there it is, right in front of my face, something which I never thought I'd ever see in my lifetime; I'm washed over with such elation and rapture that everything seems to disappear.

Alas, then I unzoom my telescopic mindset for a second, and proceed to take it all in. The sheer enormity of my actions is beyond my comprehension right now and I cannot foreshadow my future actions. But dammit, is this amazing.

And it ALL makes sense. ;]

World Spins Madly On

A photo drought is upon us! Fear not, however, for since the skies of San Diego currently cast down merciful raindrops, I shall do the same!

Here are a few of my (unseen) favorites from the (near) bottomless pit that is my iPhoto archive.


I suppose that'll be it for now. All I could pluck out that were pleasing to the eye without post-processing. Now, keep in mind that I'm not calling these photos "great". These are simply pictures that, out of like >600 snapshots happened to be of better quality.

That says a lot. I need to spend more time shooting composed shots. >_>

Expect more as days pass!

The Engine Driver

I wrote this to a dear friend earlier this week.

"I'm not a very eloquent person, and you know that. My passion for words exists only within the realm of the text book, not the free-flowing world of verbal communication. So too, you also know that I'm the last one you'd expect reveal the happenings of a psyche and reveal true emotion.

That's why I spent the day being a social recluse, eschewing conversation and encompassing myself in the dank, deep recesses of my mind formulating some sort of end-all-be-all manifesto of my feelings. To pen the severe self-destruction of my mind, my heart and my self-esteem. To show my true colors as an asshole with ulterior motives. All of which is fueled by stimuli revolving around you.

For you see, I hold the most embarrassingly self-perpetuating, overbearing and onerous affection for you. I like you _a lot_.

And it makes me feel stupid. Very, very stupid. Stupid for falling for my bestfriend. Stupid for never telling anyone. Stupid for denying it all the time. Stupid for being obsequious to someone that will never return my feelings.

I feel so dumb, following you everywhere, attempting to know you inside and out. Deep down I know this will never be requited. But I stay steadfast because it keeps me sane, gives me some form of self-worth, but most of all because it makes me happy. It's as if I'm tending to a wretched sapling that will never bear fruit, and whose consistency is but of mere glass.

It throws me into mood swings. It keeps me awake at night. It seeps into my lonely treks back and forth from school and from hangout to hangout, and anytime where I have nothing at my disposal to ignore and drown it out.

All of this is only amplified when I get a dose of reality: you and your ex (or boyfriend? or friend? I honestly don't know...), xxxxx, that xxxxx and all of your other potential suitors. I get so up-in-arms and inundated with an overwhelming sense of inane jealousy. I look at myself and wonder why I, a fat and socially inept asshole, had fallen into this trap, and why I was doing nothing to get out of it. I feel so ashamed, to hold this in. It makes me feel so inadequate. I pity myself because it. I have bouts of melancholy and dejection all too frequently because of it.

And for what? Absolutely nothing. And even with that statement and this message taken into consideration, I don't know what will become of me, you or even us. I don't even know how you'll react to this. Will this solve any of my aforementioned problems? No. But I just felt I needed to tell you. I couldn't hold it in any longer, not any more. You did ask what I was thinking about, when I had suddenly went silent earlier today, right? Well, now you know.

I'm not asking for your sympathy or your affection. All I ask is that you can still hold your trust in me and still look to me as your friend, for as the great Charlie Brown once said,

'Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.'

-Matt"

I kinda felt it should be here.






It doesn't feel the same anymore.

Song Cry (Something About Us)

Solvang, California. Quite possibly the biggest town in all of California devoted to Tourist Trap-ism (second only to Los Angeles, but that's another story) Yeah. I hate Solvang. Solvang is this small little (Danish) town in Santa Barbara county. It's flanked by the all-elusive Wine Country nestled in central California. As if that weren't boring enough already, right? Well, this place takes it to a whole other level. Let's go over this nice and slow.

It all started as a "spur of the moment". My uncle and auntie were up in Santa Monica visiting friends, so my dad gets the gradiose idea of hauling all of our asses up there and to venture into the great town of Solvang. I insisted on not going, by my dad counter insisted that this was to be a "quality family bonding time". Yeah. Okay.
My ride consisted of watching Ironman on the built-in TV. American ingenuity at its best, I swear to god, that shit kicks ass. The TV, that is. And I only call it american because only a fatass American person would think of putting it there. You know, to satiate their dumbass kids as they are ferried back and forth to soccer practice. Oh, yeah, Ironman was good too. A little too plot heavy for my tastes, could've used more action. Tony Stark is a badass though!
After our wonderful in-transit entertainment, I had nothing else to do, other than take half-assed photos of the rather scenic Highway 101 that runs along a pretty huge strip of California coast. First real time I was able to use my 200mm lens! It's nice, but pretty damn unstable. For precise work (unlike the above), you'll definitely be wanting a tripod.

We met up with my auntie and uncle in Santa Barbara...I think. I don't remember anymore. But in any case, I had fastfood twice in a row, something which I detest. Hell, it was even Carl's Jr.! I love that shit! but its way gross when you factor in all the nutrition. -___- Oh yeah, I bought a random flannel too. Target, 20 bucks, I liked the random ass colors (I have an affinity for green.)
Sup Ansel Adams? Hahaha! Just kidding. Yeah, this is another one of those random-ass window shots I took, and this one happens to be just spectacular. I was blown away at how good a picture I had gotten–out of a window of a SUV travelling 70 MPH no less! In anycase, its not perfect. Because of the fact we were moving, I had to open up the aperture real wide to get a high enough shutter speed; not to mention have a pretty high ISO as well. The result is a slightly out of focus, hazy and grainy picture. Oh well, I still like it. Not bad for mobile photography. :D
And so, after another hour or two glued to the carseat, I arrive into the quaint little Danish town of Solvang. One thing you'll notice there is the fact their economy is driven by 3 things: Bakeries, Wineries and Gift shops. Seriously, its fucking ridiculous. All of these damn places are the same. The bakeries serve the ubiquitous Aebleskivers, the wineries all have wine-tasting rooms, and all the gift shops have danish Chinaware. Its sad.
In anycase, Olsen's bakery happened to be the most prominent in the area, so we went there. Its kinda funny, they force all of their female employees to wear traditional Danish costumes. So its kinda random watching a mexican lady walk around in a Danish outfit. Idk, I found it amusing. >_>
My auntie and uncle. Nothing much to say here, other than the fact that this picture is insanely noisy and I hate the red-overtone. I needed a filler. Oh, and that gigantic gingerbread house looked disgusting in person.
Solvang has a penchant for having a lot of little niche stores. I think this definitely qualifies as one of them. Ho-ly fuck.
As a testament to our boredom, I give you this. Yeah, we found those fake mustaches tucked away in one of the niche stores that lined the alleys and avenues. We got some laughs out of the other tourists, to say the least. Hell, even one guy asked me where he could find them. Hahaha
Officer Dangle of Solvang 911! My auntie had aviators, I couldn't resist. The only thing thats missing are the hot pants. But trust me, you wouldn't want to see that. -_-
In keeping with the Danish theme, Solvang has like 3 different windmills. Their functionality is debatable, and they all sorta looked in a state of disrepair. They were more of an eye-sore than anything.

Again, with the niche stores...Yeah, it's everyones favorite As-Seen-On-TV product to make fun of! The snuggie! God, why anyone would want something like that is beyond me. But then again I think I'm being hypocritical when I think those would be awesome for late-night XBL sessions. Amirite? Amirite?!After a rather tame night's stay at Vandenberg Airforce base (where they launch a whole slew of satellites and rocket tests and what not), we went to The Greenhouse Cafe. One of the many little breakfast houses that are also ubiquitous of the area.
Auntie and uncle, again. Actually, the food at that place wasn't too bad. I quite enjoyed my Ham and cheese omelette.
After breakfast we went strolling around looking for more shit to do (And really, there isn't much in Solvang, other than to eat and take pictures of shit. Both of which I ended up doing. -_-) This is the best of example of the ridiculously shallow depth of field my 200mm lens can churn out. I was pretty surprised when this picture came out on the screen, to say the least.
I don't know, I gotta hand it to them though. Solvangs got pretty trees. Cool spires and what not too. Danish architecture, although bastardized in Solvang, is interesting.
We ended back up at Olsen's. I hadn't ordered anything the first time around, so I decided to indulge. I got the Queen Elizabeth cream tart. It wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but it was damn good! A bit on the dry side, I was expecting a lot of cream, you know? Oh well, it was tasty, nonetheless.
I have no idea what Marzipan is, but it looked tasty. Well, more like it reminded me of random little Japanese sweets. You know what I'm talking about?
We started moving toward the parking lot to head out. I spied this spare tire cover. It looks like that faux-Deer got dome-checked.
Back on the road. This picture wasn't taken very far from Solvang. Considering how goddamned podunk it is, I was surprised to see any form of graffiti, let alone something of this scale.
We ended up in Burbank to visit my Uncle Art. And for lunch, we decided to drop in here. Porto's. The fucking greatest little bakery ever.
Why, you ask? This little bastard right here. Their signature Potato ball. Spiced ground beef stuffed into mashed potato, then lightly breaded and thrown into the fryer. The end result? Fucking delicious, dammit. I can eat a dozen of these racquetball-sized bastards, and not regret a bite of it.
Well, it turns out Porto's also makes bitchin' sammiches as well. Not as if I'm a stranger to Porto's or anything, though. But seriously. I had the Torta de Pollo, and it was fucking awesome. The black bean spread made it taste soooo good. Hell, those plantain chips aren't half bad either. I await the day I'll be reunited with them. :D

Well, yeah, that concludes it for now. This post was such a fucking drain. I usually like to end with a little anecdote or a small little thought-provoking statement, but I'll forego that. I'm too sleepy. Expect something to compensate for it though!

Scarborough Fair

What a low-key Christmas. Honestly, first Christmas ever where I didn't wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to open my presents. I don't know, I like to think of it as the embodiment of my melancholy and self-imposed depression that has plagued me for awhile. The only thing that amplifies it is this image that likes to jump into my mind once in awhile (The image itself is actually kinda LOLworthy, in fact, I'm chuckling to myself thinking about it.) It sends the most peculiar feeling of anxiety, depression, and overall unpleasant-ness when it manages to get into my head. To be honest, I've been growing a lot more tolerant of it too, which I'm displeased with. I mean, I'm running out of mental images that can bring me in a circle of emotional self-destruction here, dammit! Hahaha.

But I digress, my Christmas was otherwise fruitful, jubilant and chock-full of carbohydrates!

Rewind to Christmas eve: Annual Christmas Party...thing at my Ninang and Ninong's house. To put it simply: Food, lots of people I don't know, boredom and a shitload of hyperactive kids. Like, I'm not even kidding, these kids wreak so much havoc, its ridiculous. Especially this little turd:

And I say "turd" in the most endearing and non-offensive way possible. I only call him that because, well, he's insanely hyperactive and childish. Oh well, can't blame him, gotta live it up while you can, right? Anywho, yeah, HE SPIT ON MY FUCKING CAMERA. ARGH. Something I'll never forget for the rest of my life. >:[ Moving on!
Woke up at like 9-ish to open up some presents. Nothing special. And I don't mean to say that to sound like a materialistic douchebag, alright!? Gloves (Which I need, admittedly), T-shirt, Memory Card case (I only have 1, dammit), so yeah, nothing "awesome" (But then again, I got my camera, why am I complaining?)
Hopped in the Suburban, Ubiquitously-Vehicle (That's a Yoda-speak bacronym, mind you) and headed off to PH. Above is an interesting shot that I thought embodied my Christmas season experience. Rainy, deflated and constantly on the move.

You see that bastard? Yeah. We had Lobster for Christmas Lunch. It was quite a fiasco to get them to the table. Apparently, the package carrying them was lost at the FedEx shipping center, and couldn't be located for like, an entire night. Apparently they were found this morning...or last night. I don't know, either way, they ended up in butter, then promptly into my stomach.
My uncle, taking a decidedly more–hands-on approach to getting to the succulent lobster meat. Shelling lobsters is gay, by the way. Seriously, I don't know how to do this shit. -_-
Apparently that green shit–affectionately called the "Tomalley" by its conissieurs, is the Lobster's Hepatopancreas (Hepat/o-, meaning Liver, thank you Medical Terminology!) Honestly, that shit looks straight up disgusting. No lie. I cannot even begin to fathom how people get past its look, let alone its taste, given what it is. Egh.
"Dawwwwww!" Yeah. That's my baby cousin. She kicks ass. TAKE THAT CLARISSE HAH!
My other cousin. I seriously took this picture within a 45 second-span of sunlight that decided to break through the upstairs window and shine upon my cousin, who was playing with his Bakugan things. To quote my Uncle: "Hey! Quick, Matt, take a picture of Nick while he's under the God-light!" LOL
My grandma with her Christmas gift from us. I look like a badass in that picture, I'm sorry. :]
Those Bakugan Brawler things. Pretty ingenious, really! The design of those little marble-figurines is pretty interesting. They pop out when they rest upon trading cards with magnets in em. Trading cards and toys? Quick, give the man who invented this shit a Nobel Awesome Prize.

My sister got a pretty badass Hello Kitty vinyl toy. I want these! They're like 7 bucks though, and I have to go to Urban Outfitters to get them. I swear, that store gets awesomer everytime I hear word of it/go there.
Me looking like a total asshole in my family portrait from my other grandma's house in Scripps Ranch. Yeah, I had just awoken from a nap and was bitchy. I tend to do that. >_> My maternal grandparent's Christmas gig was a distinctly more quiet affair. It was nice though, a good change of pace considering the two previous outings were really loud and fast-paced. I feel bad, because I took a nap for like an hour or so. :/ Oh well, I spent like another hour and a half in a good state. So yeah. I guess its okay? :|
After my grandma's, we stopped by my Uncle Mark's house, which isn't too far away. He keeps a bitchin' salt-water aquarium stocked with two Clown fish. They were too fidgety for me to get a good picture of, but I got a really nice shot of this sea anenome shit. If only it weren't so grainy and noisy! O:<
(I don't know either.)

But anyways! You may have noticed that my photos this this post were a lot warmer in tone (okay, more RED.) Yeah, I kinda like photos that are like that. I was trying to counter-act the blue flourescence that the damn lamps were giving off. Today was nice. I hope this weekend will be the same. I've got some post-Christmas shopping to do, what with recieving like 90 bucks in total. Can you say new pair of Half-Cabs?! Yeah, I can! Whooo! Haha. I'm kinda excited. Plussssss, I'm getting new drumheads, since the pack of heads I received today weren't the right sizes. Also, I think I'm going to be travelling way up north over the weekend. Something like Santa Monica? Oh man, I feel a Photo extravaganza coming up!

Can you feel it too?