Cemetary Gates

What is it that you have seen in the world that I haven't? Is it all the time in the world that I seem to have that is blinding me from my true potential? Am I too jaded by my (relative) free-will and liberty that I've deluded any true aspect of self-realization? I must be too enraptured with living in my material present.

Is it your imprisonment? The shackles by which you are chained to this suburban wasteland surely must be the causation of your, for the lack of a better term, ingenuity. You inadvertently evoke a plethora of emotions within people, the sheer amount of which you have no idea. Similarly, you fail to realize how high a pedestal we all place you upon. Sometimes it appears in conversation, but in purely referential form, as anything past an allusion to such is nonchalantly shrugged off and simultaneously smugly acknowledged. You are a god among men, and you don't even realize it—Enamored by many, but known on a personal level only to a select few. And yet, even to those few, you are still one enigmatic son of a bitch.

Share the wealth god dammit.

Higher Ground

Maybe I should stop being a self-important asshole. Perhaps I should stop trying to care so much, trying to insert myself into your well being. I don't know whats going on, and likely never will. To that end, I should stop trying to find out. I should back off. We're consistently on different terms, whether I think you perceive it or not. I'm pretty sure I do. You, as usual, are being elusive and practicing dogmatic exclusion, which of course you're completely entitled to. But please, I don't want to be lied to. I'm only trying to be friendly. I care about you, you know.

Or maybe, maybe I'm too analytical. As usual. Too meticulous in my thinking, not pragmatic enough to think clearly. Letting preconceived notions of "emotional attachment" cloud decision making. There's nothing wrong, the only wrong I perceive is exactly that: fabricated by an overactive, over-methodical approach to trying to befriend you. You said things wouldn't be any different, but I can't help but feel that everything is. The worst part is, I can't confront. I'm too afraid, I'm too big of a pussy to talk about it. Right off the bat, I interpreted that you wouldn't want to talk about it anymore, to simply sweep it under the doormat, and pretend as if this ugly little piece of shit never existed. And for awhile, I obliged. But that isn't flying anymore.

I'm much too anxious for that.

Dream Machine

This one will be a little more angsty, ranty and whiny. Sorry.

To kick things off today, I think I'll start off with a rant! Now, few people know of my hatred of PETA. PETA hasn't done anything [recently] to spur this rant, but my hatred of them is strong regardless of what they do and do not do. With that aside, I would just like to state that I hate PETA and everything they (think) stand for. I also hate their crusade to convert people to the altruistic lifestyle of Veganism. Of course I think animal cruelty is bad and just plain wrong, but the fact that that goes on doesn't change my mind about eating meat. As long as they kill it quickly, I couldn't care less as to what they do to it, just so long as it tastes good. Because when it comes down to it, Meat tastes good, and I guess that's just something PETA doesn't get. Now, on the topic of Vegans, I hate them just as much. At least the ones that think that they're better than you because they don't eat meat. Because seriously, that's really annoying. I could understand becoming a vegan or vegetarian due to health reasons or perhaps religion, but to become one on the sole reason of being against Animal cruelty is ridiculous.

Alright, enough of that.

One thing that has really been disturbing me lately is my perceived detachedness from my friends. For some reason, I'm just really, really inward about my emotions, at least, that's what I perceive. It really troubles me. For example, I'm not very close to anyone in terms of emotional connection (Not a relationship, per se.) I don't necessarily see or feel the same connection that I see between my guy friends and other girls. I guess you could say I desire something of that sort, but my inwardness and I guess you would say, social awkwardness kind of nullifies that. Perhaps you could also say that I've repressed such feelings in fear of embarrassment? I think there's something left over from 4th grade that makes me nervous around girls that I barely know, but perhaps others are the same? But that would seem highly improbable considering I had a strong relationship with a girl around that time.

*Sigh.*

The same inwardness has prevented me from being outward about my opinions on girls (And to a much greater extent, prevented me from having a girlfriend). Of course, I'm not as inward about this as maybe 7th or 8th grade, where I was supremely tight-lipped about the subject. It wasn't 'til about this time of year last year during summer break did I begin to form strong opinions on girls, attractiveness or otherwise. I still am pretty tight-lipped about who I like. Dare I say almost to the point of degrading it to an elementary school crush, which greatly disturbs me. The fact that that disturbs me doesn't mean I'll start spewing about who I like, because, frankly, just imagining me doing that disturbs me more than being like a closed vault about it.

My lack of a girlfriend often positions me at the butt end of my friends jokes, or, at least at the butt end of 1 or 2 of my friends, whom seem to express absolutely no sympathy on the matter. There 2 factors that I think put me into this position, one of them being my inwardness. The other being my insecurities that say that I'm not worthy of someone, or, that I think that no one finds me attractive, given that I'm overweight, possess no chin, nerdy as a motha*****, and I'm obnoxious. (Many of my friends will get a kick out of the chin bit) I know I've said to myself on multiple occasions that I would try to get a girlfriend freshman year, all of those never fully materialized. Now, here I am, Sophomore year, and I haven't gotten a girlfriend.

Now, many of you will say that the above paragraphs are nothing but a plead to girls to start to date me. You're free to believe so. I'm not going to stop you, or argue the opposite. Because I know what this is. It's an identification of what's wrong with me. Identifying the problem is the first step to finding the solution. Sure, maybe it was a little late of me to start all of this. But now at least I have something to blame my tardiness.

With that aside, I bring you to another one of my dilemmas. I love paintball. I seriously love it. The sport, the lifestyle, the community. All of it is awesome. From the numerous forums I visit to talk about it, to the sites I visit to fantasize about the equipment, and the videos I watch to improve my technique and style and just watch to appreciate the sport. Now, there was little thing I omitted from that little list. Actually playing the sport. Now, don't get me wrong, the I love the sport and everything it stands for and stands for in me. But this sport, paintball, is probably the most expensive sport that exists to man. Get this, it's 25 dollars in get into a paintball park. You get admission and all day air. That's not that bad. Now, if you're me and you own a mid range gun you'll be shooting a case and a half maybe to 2 cases a day. This is where it gets really troublesome. The price of a case of 2000 paintballs averages out at about 40 dollars. All of that money coming out the end of your barrel. For pros, who are sponsored by big corporations, they shoot a case and half, maybe 3 PER GAME. That's 120 dollars spent in a matter of minutes. And all in the name of fun. I can't afford that, not by a long shot. In short, I want money. I want money so I can play this sport. I'll just leave it at that.

I'll leave you guys with this: A video of Mario and Luigi, HxC dancing. It's thoroughly entertaining!